Forever
by madeleine68
Summary: Olivia promised her forever, but forever came too soon. A/O oneshot. Please review!


**Disclaimer: No one and nothing's mine.**

The idea's been floating around in her head for some time now – since she arrived here, really. But she, she who has always been so good with words, suddenly can't find the right ones. She thinks for a few moments how to start it. _Dear? _No, that sounds too formal. _To? _No, too impersonal. _For? _No. Just no.

Finally giving up the fight, she sits down at her kitchen table and just writes what's in her heart.

_Liv,_

_Ever since I've got here, I've been thinking about you. It was only two days ago that I arrived, but every single minute I've been missing you._

_I know you wouldn't want that. I know you'd tell me that there's no point in focussing on things we can't change and that I should suck it up and stand strong, just like you always do. But, Liv, I've spent the last forty-eight hours being strong. I can't be brave anymore. All I want to do is fall into your arms and let you hold me and soothe away my fears with gentle kisses and sweet nothings whispered in my ear. I never had much time for such things before I met you, but then I got used to it, and I know it's silly, but I miss the sensations. I miss the way our bodies fit perfectly together like a child's puzzle, the way our lips melded like a bridge connecting us, the way your arms erected a barrier of safety around me at night. I miss the lingering touches, the gentle caresses, the way your hand felt in mine. I miss you, Liv. So much._

_I remember the first time you told me you loved me. I know it was hard for you to say; words never came easily to you. You showed me your love through the little things; the way you wrapped an arm around me while we were watching a movie; the way you would give me your jacket whenever it was snowing and I'd forgotten mine, even though you were freezing too; the way you kept your hands on my shoulders whenever we passed through a more dangerous neighbourhood at night. I always thought that it was for my protection or my security, to let potential criminals know that you had me and you would do whatever it took to keep me safe, so they'd better not try anything. But now I understand that you were trying to anchor yourself to me, that perhaps if you held on tight enough, the world would fall away. And when I was in your arms, it did._

_Anyway, the first time you told me you loved me, we were in bed together after a long, hard week. I hadn't moved in yet, but we were getting there. I'd come over to help you drink away the day's pain, or maybe to keep you from doing so, because that was the pretence which was never actually fulfilled. Maybe you did have other plans that night; I don't know. But we sat on your couch and we talked. We talked for a long time. And then you said, with no preamble whatsoever, "Come to bed."_

_You held out your hand and you looked so beautiful and the request was so simple, yet it took my breath away. But your eyes – they were pleading with me, begging me to say yes. So how could I refuse? I took your hand, and your smile lit up my world._

_That's what I think of now, when I miss you. Your smiles. You have the most ravishing smile in the entire world. I never really saw much of it until I told you how I felt about you, which was a step I never would have dreamed of taking if I hadn't been so madly in love with you. I never believed in love at first sight until I met you, and in that one moment, I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with you. You were the one. Sure, there were my political aspirations, and they were a roadblock in our relationship, but we got over them. Actually, no, let me rephrase: you asked me to do so many things that were almost but not quite illegal that if I'd had any delusions of political grandeur, they were just that: delusions. But I would give up anything for you, even the political career I'd dreamed of since childhood._

_I remember every single moment with you, Liv, just like it was yesterday. I keep a photo of us in my purse, even though I know that technically, I'm not allowed to. The marshals would confiscate it if they knew, so I'm not going to tell them. It's the one we took on the beach, at my parents' cottage. Okay, my parents' mansion that they call a cottage. You continually told me that it was definitely _not _a cottage, considering it was at least four times the size of our apartment, which was relatively large itself. We had our arms around each other and we were both smiling so hard our faces hurt afterward. We framed that picture. Is it still in our living room, or did you take it down? I'd understand if you did. You shouldn't have to spend the rest of your life waiting for a ghost. It might just be easier to forget, or at least, to try. _

_But Liv, I'll never forget you. I never could. I'd never want to. You're my soul mate, my true love. We were meant for each other, but then Zapata and Velez came along. And now I may remain here, in this little no-name town in Wisconsin, and your life will go on without me. It always does. I used to marvel at it, how the sun could still shine so brightly when there was so much evil in this world. But you told me that the sun was shining just for me, so I would know there was something left that was just the same as yesterday. I told you that you were that something, and you got this faraway look in your eyes and said that you hoped you always would be. I always craved structure; I needed it to live my life by. I color code my trial notes, for goodness sakes! Or at least, I did. But you understood that._

_When I close my eyes, I can feel your arms wrapped tightly around me, holding me close, keeping me safe. And it's almost as if you're here with me, and it brings me the comfort that your presence always has. I love you, Liv, and I always will. Remember that. Forever I will be your Alex._

_Love, Alex_

She folds the note and watches in mild surprise as she sees a salty droplet of water land on the page. She reaches up and sure enough, there are tears in her eyes. She wonders vaguely how they got there.

She knows she'll never send the letter, but she's written it. And for now, that's enough.

**Aw, so bittersweet. Review if you enjoyed this!**


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